Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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