Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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