the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
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