I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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