Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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