You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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