i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
sex in a hospital.. check
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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