Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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