I will die if light touches me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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