I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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