I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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