he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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