The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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