The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she peed on how many people?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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