I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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