When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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