a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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