a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize