Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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