can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
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I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
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Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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