This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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