Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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