I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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