cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize