Don't make out with my wife yet
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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