i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize