I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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