I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
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If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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