god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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