If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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