No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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