Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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