Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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