Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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