Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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