I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
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Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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