so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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