I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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