It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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