Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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