Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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