You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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