I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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