I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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