He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
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SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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