i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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