her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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