If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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