I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
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FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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