and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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